External Sources - Relationships

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Distance never makes it work

The power of vulnerability

A confrontational person understands the value of peace.

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Helen Fisher Explains Why Casual Sex Doesn't Exist New videos DAILY: https://bigth.ink Join Big Think Edge for exclusive video lessons from top thinkers and doers: https://bigth.ink/Edge ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a study that asked 515 people why they went into a hookup, 50 percent of women and 52 percent of men reported that they hoped to trigger a longer relationship. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HELEN FISHER: Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D. biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and a Member of the Center For Human Evolutionary Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships — what she calls: slow love. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TRANSCRIPT: Question: What are the three brain systems for love? Helen Fisher: I do think that we’ve evolved three distinctly different brain systems for love.  One is the sex drive, the craving for sexual gratification. The second one is romantic love, that elation, the giddiness, the euphoria, the obsession, the craving of passionate, obsessive love.  And the third is attachment.  That sense of calm and security you can feel for a long-term partner.  And rather than being stages, these three brain systems can operate, really in any kind of combination.  I mean, you could walk into a party, you’re ready to fall in love, you talked to somebody, they say just the perfect joke and they’re the right size and shape and height and background, and boom.  You trigger the brain system for romantic love.  And then, once you’ve fallen in love with them, you feel very sexually drawn to them.  Or, you can start out with a sexual relationship with somebody and then fall in love with them.  Or, you can know somebody for many years.  Maybe it’s a boyfriend of a friend of yours and you’re married to somebody else and then times change, people become available and suddenly you’ve fallen in love with somebody who you’ve had a deep and very nice friendship with. So, any one of these brain systems can happen first; attachment, romantic love, or the sex drive. Question: What does the brain look like when it’s in love? Helen Fisher: Everybody’s always wondered what happens in the brain when you’ve fallen in love, and we all know actually how you feel when you fall in love.  But actually, what happens in the brain is, a tiny little factory near the base of the brain called the ventral tegmental area become active, and in some particular cells, called the A10 cells, they begin to make dopamine.  Dopamine is a natural stimulant.  And from the ventral tegmental area it’s sent too many brain regions, particularly the reward system; the brain system for wanting, for craving, for seeking, for addiction, for motivation and in this case, the motivation to win life’s greatest prize, which is a good mating partner. Question: Can casual sex trigger love? Helen Fisher: I think that all three of these brain systems can interact with one another, particularly when you have sex with somebody.  Any kind of sexual stimulation of the genitals triggers the dopamine system in the brain and can push you over that threshold into falling in love with that person.  And in fact, with orgasm, there’s a real flood of oxytocin and vasopressin, other chemicals in the brain associated with the feeling of deep attachment.  So, casual sex is really never casual unless you’re so drunk you can’t remember it; something happens.  As a matter of fact, in one study of over a thousand people, over 50% of both men and women reported that their first kiss of somebody was sort of the kiss of death.  They had begun quite attracted to a person sexually and romantically and then when they kissed them, it was so horrible for them that it turned them off completely.  So, casual sex is just plain old not casual.  Something can happen.  You can either fall madly in love with this person, or you can begin a deep sense of attachment to them.  As a matter of fact, I’ve been working with a graduate student named Justin Garcia, and he and I believe that people go into hookups, or one-night stands hoping to trigger a longer relationship.  And in fact, in a study that he did of 515 men and women in a college in the northeast, he asked ... For the full transcript, check out https://bigthink.com/videos/casual-sex-doesnt-exist